Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He better not be in your backpack
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
