Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
