It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
