failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize