Apparently you make a good broom.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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