I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
