you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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