I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize