I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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