i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
