: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My pussy is not your playground.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
