Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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