How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
