I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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