I wish I could teleport
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
