how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
