I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
