I just made out with a guy for $7.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm passing your future prison.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
