Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize