It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
