Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
