Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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