I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
