so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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