I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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