oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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