I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
