so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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