You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
