I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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