I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The feeling are messing with the penis
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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