You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
