nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Randomize
