I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
