I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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