What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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