Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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