I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
