Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
