the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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