I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
