Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
