I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
