how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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