if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
