saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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