You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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