the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
