In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
