i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
