If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
