This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
