I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize