So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
