Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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