when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
