i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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