If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
