Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
