Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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