I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize